


Only Wishes

by lothalmoons



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: First Kiss, M/M, Mutual Pining, Things get awkward, an almost botched mission saved by a kiss, ezra won't let them forget, god they're so oblivious, i can't believe i haven't added that tag until now that's literally the central plot point, in between season 3 and 4, kal is part of the ghost crew, space family antics, there might be some light angst later who knows
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2019-10-10 19:50:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17432447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lothalmoons/pseuds/lothalmoons
Summary: Things never go according to plan, but when a series of surprises brings feelings out to the forefront, both Zeb and Kallus need to accept how they feel about each other - and figure out what to do about it.





	1. Impulse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zeb and Kallus are able to salvage an intel retrieval, but at what cost?

A warm orange glow fell over the city as the sun set behind the many adobe colored structures. The multilingual chatter of sentients of every species seemed to grow louder, truly filling the city with life, as the sky grew darker. Kallus and Zeb made their way down the busy streets, weaving their way through the swarm of city dwellers, averting their gaze from the many street peddlers, and having one hand guarding their credits at all times. Zeb let out a frustrated sigh as they rounded the corner onto yet another dusty road.

“Are you sure we’re not lost?” he asked his companion. He pointed to a building with a cloth overhang that looked as if it hadn’t been replaced in twenty years.“That building looks familiar.”

“All the buildings look familiar,” Kallus replied, not bothering to look up at him, his gaze fixed ahead, scanning the various establishments. “I know where we’re going.”

“How? I don’t see any signs do you?” he asked, growing more irritated. “We must’ve doubled back somehow. It feels like we’re walking in circles!”

“Our informant gave us _directions_ , didn’t they?” Kallus challenged him, his patience wearing thin. He’s had to deal with Zeb’s constant complaining practically since they left base.

Zeb only gave a grunt in response. The aforementioned directions were a transmission detailing how to get to the rendezvous spot from the north entrance of the city. The only problem was that the directions were so vague they were practically useless. For a person who knew the city like the back of their tactile appendage, the directions would be just fine, but for a person who had never even set foot on the planet before, they were just a step better than going in blind.

—————  
<< North Gate —-> Intel Pickup >>  
//SSW to shopping square; pass spice bazaar  
4 blocks W; pass gambling hall  
3 blocks S; stay on outskirts of Gray Sector  
2 blocks E; immediate left into alley past Skyview; pass through adjacent alley; left onto road  
1 block S; right past Starlust onto side-street  
5th building; right side; popular cantina; blue roofing; frequented by lower class\\\  
—————

But Zeb didn’t press any further. He could tell that Kallus was beginning to worry as well, regardless of how he tried to hide it. His gait had grown more rigid, his pace brisker, his tone more clipped and curt, and even though his arms were still at his sides, Zeb could tell he was fighting the ingrained Imperial urge to hold them behind his back. He wasn’t in the mood for this pent up stress to erupt and spoil their time together with a disagreement. There was a time where he would have liked nothing more than to argue with Kallus, especially if it led to Kallus being thrown into the nearest wall, but that time was long gone. Contrary to everyone’s assumptions, save Hera, Zeb and Kallus had grown very close since Kallus officially defected - contrary to Zeb’s assumptions most of all. “Friend” had just been an off-hand word with enough positive connotation to get his actual friends to trust their new informant. He hadn’t really meant it, or at least, hadn’t known he meant it, but as Ashla would have it, his sworn enemy had filled the space of friend in his heart…as well as something else.

He wouldn’t admit to the fluttering in his stomach when he sees his friend from across the room or the rush at the warm looks reserved only for him. He could feel where a lingering touch had been placed hours later and loved how his name sounded when Kallus said it. He hadn’t been aware how one syllable could sound so rich and complex before. It just so happens one does not need to admit such things when he’s friends with a nosy Jedi. It was rare that he and Kallus could spend time together and Zeb was free of Ezra’s teasing afterward, so he wouldn’t dream of ruining this moment. 

“This looks like the Starlust,” Kallus said, pulling Zeb from his thoughts. They were standing by a nightclub that seemed to be fairly new compared to the other buildings on the road. Zeb could hear the relief in his voice when he said, “We should be almost there now.”

They made a right onto a narrow street. Buildings surrounded them on both sides, blocking what little light was left in the sky. It was less crowded than the main road they just left, though not considerably so. They stopped in front of a shorter structure with what appeared to be a blue roof, but with the darkness, it was hard to tell. A group of patrons exited, shoving past the pair, clearly intoxicated.

“Looks like you were right,” Zeb said as they entered the bar. Kallus smiled in his signature way, closed mouth and almost smirking, with the right side of his mouth turning up just a little bit more than his left. He said something afterward, but with the deafening music and Zeb’s fixation on his friend’s lips, he missed it. He gave him an empty look.

“I said we should go sit down. They probably can’t see us in the crowd,” Kallus said, louder this time.

“I don’t know, I’m kinda hard to miss,” Zeb joked but followed him to the long counter at the front of the bar.

The counter was just as crowded as the rest of the cantina. It was by luck’s hand they found two empty stools. The bartender was nowhere in sight, so Zeb abandoned the idea of a drink for the moment and scanned the area for any sign of their informant. The only thing he knew about them was that they would be wearing a red coat, as stated in their last transmission, but it was almost impossible to pick someone out of a crowd that dense just by knowing what was draped around their shoulders. After a few minutes of futile searching, he gave up and turned around. The bartender still hadn’t appeared; he sighed in boredom. Bashing someone’s head in was his speed. Sitting around and waiting for someone to show up and talk to them certainly was not. He drummed his claws on the dark wood counter in an attempt to amuse himself. His gaze was drawn to Kallus who hadn’t given up as quickly as him. Of course, he hadn’t. Zeb had never been the patient type, but Kallus was in his element. Waiting and searching, studying and observing - it’s what he had been trained to do. His profile was stern, his amber eyes thoughtful. Zeb wondered if his hair, glowing softly now under the dim light, felt as soft as it looked. Thinking of this was a _much_ more interesting use of his time.

“I don’t think our contact has arrived yet,” Kallus said, and Zeb looked up as casually as he could after just allowing himself to imagine what Kallus would look like pinned to the counter underneath him. Apparently, the simple thought of running one’s claws through another’s strawberry blonde hair can escalate very quickly. 

“Hope this isn’t a set-up.” The thought had crossed his mind briefly before, but that thought accompanied every mission he had ever been on - that’s what it was like working for the Rebellion. He had dismissed it, but indulged in it now because of his growing suspicions as well as to focus his thoughts on something - anything - else. 

“If this is a trap, it. certainly is a bad one. Too public of a place, too many unblocked exits with too many side-roads to escape down, and-” he pointed to the belts of several patrons with blasters disregarded in their holsters “-too easy for the enemy to acquire weapons.”

His eyebrows raised. He was surprised, impressed as well, but should have expected no less from the former spy. “Glad you’re on our side now,” is all he could say.

Kallus looked as if he was about to say something, argue even, but decided against it when he saw the unabashed sincerity in Zeb’s expression. He didn’t know what he did to deserve the friendship and unwavering trust that Zeb gave him after everything he’d done, but he knew better than to ask. Contrary to the opinion of two snarky droids, Zeb was smart and had his own, sometimes complex, reasons for everything he did, reasons that may not be clear to everyone else, reasons he didn’t wish to share. If Zeb could look at him with kindness and offer his hand in friendship, the least he could do was take it. 

Yet despite the cautious selflessness he acted out of, there was a part of him, a part he couldn’t silence or push away, that not only accepted Zeb’s friendship without hesitation but longed for something more. There were times where he could have sworn Zeb wanted the same, but no amount of special agent training, no amount of behavioral study, could make up for a lack of experience with said subject matter. He hadn’t exactly been able to play the dating game while he was climbing the ladder at the Academy, and friendships, a reliance on and trust in others, were seen as a weakness - unbecoming of a high ranking ISB Agent. Yet another way the Empire had failed him: thanks to them, he couldn’t tell if his Lasat companion was flirting or being friendly - though he wasn’t sure what he would do if he knew. Friendship was already beyond what he had expected, though knowing Zeb’s almost infuriatingly forgiving nature, it shouldn’t have been, but… something else? Something more? He had certainly thought of what it would be like, in more ways than one, but he firmly told himself that thoughts are all it would be. Yet, thanks to the very same Lasat who plagued his daydreams, hope was now an ever-present feeling of his, and he couldn’t help but indulge in it from time to time. He offered Zeb a meek smile, hopefully masking his pensiveness.

Whether it worked or whether Zeb chose not to comment is something Kallus didn’t know, but he was glad the topic was not pursued further. Kallus caught sight of the bartender across the table mixing drinks for a group of rowdy patrons. He flagged him over, very much in the mood for a drink to calm his nerves. The poor Rodian was overwhelmed, and it took him a while to get to him.

“I’ll have your cheapest whiskey, dry,” he said when he finally made it to their end of the counter. 

“Make it two,” Zeb called to the Rodian who waved his hand in acknowledgment. He got into a more comfortable position and turned his stool around to face Kallus. “I didn’t know you drank, Kal - didn’t think Imps were allowed to.”

“Technically they’re not, but high command doesn’t keep close tabs on officers on leave.”

“No way, _the_ Agent Kallus of the Imperial Security Bureau broke one of his precious Empire’s rules?” Zeb gave a fake gasp of surprise.

“There was only so much Admiral Konstantine I could handle sober.” His tone was flat and matter-of-fact, but there was a sparkle in his eyes that was only ever present when he was enjoying himself - and only with Zeb.

The bartender returned with two shot glasses full of a light brown liquid. Kallus took a shot and slammed the glass on the counter. It burned terribly, and he choked back a cough.

“This tastes like pod racer fuel!” Zeb exclaimed in disgust, waving his empty glass around.

“My thoughts exactly.”

Kallus noticed out of the corner of his eye a figure sit down across the counter who, sure enough, had a red coat hanging off their shoulders. It would draw too much attention if he tried to get a good look at the person, but Kallus didn’t need to; he was positive it was their informant. He tapped Zeb’s leg from under the table to get his attention, but he was already aware of the new figure. Only now, all of Zeb’s attention had now been diverted to Kallus’ lingering hand on his thigh. He moved his leg away to shake the hand off, not that he wanted it gone. It was quite the opposite, but having Kallus’ hand resting in such a potentially problematic place was proving too distracting, even with their objective seated not five feet away, and Zeb didn’t know what he’d do, and didn't trust himself enough to find out, if the hand made its way just a few inches upwards.

It appeared as if Admiral Yularen had been correct. Imperial training _did_ prove useful in every part of your life. Kallus found some relief in the fact that he gave no indication of his emotions, but that didn’t change how crestfallen he felt inside as the palm of his hand grew cold as it hit the air. It had been a conscious choice made by that troublesome part of his mind to leave his hand there. It was small enough of a gesture to be written off as accidental or platonic, but it gave him a taste of what he longed for. He scolded himself; now was not the time to lament over less than ideal crushes. Zeb had seen their contact as well, so now was the time to make their move. They left credits for their drinks on the counter and went over to their informant who, now that Kallus could get a better look, appeared to be a woman. They leaned on the counter, flanking her on both sides. She looked up at Zeb and gave him a small nod.

“You got the intel?”

“You got the payment?”

Zeb held out a fist just below his waist. “2,000 credits. All here.”

She glanced down at the now open fist to make sure it was all there. Her left hand, the one not grabbing her drink, pulled something out of her belt that was shielded by her coat. Zeb dropped the credits in her open pocket, and in his same hand, she placed a small chip.

Her voice was now just above a whisper, barely loud enough to be heard above the music and conversation. “All Imperial freighter coordinates in the Lothal Sector for the next two weeks as well as their inventory and staff. Just like I promised.”

“How’d you get this?” Zeb asked. It seemed too good to be true, and there was no way of checking what was on the chip until they got back to base.

“Now if I told you that, I’d be out of a job, wouldn’t I?” she grinned. She ran a hand through her auburn hair, cut short and as rough and jagged as she. “Let’s just say…everyone’s got their price.”

Kallus was well aware of what their mystery woman was implying. A surprising percentage of officers, many high ranking ones, had stronger loyalties to money or sex than their Empire. He used to look down on them for their indifference towards their establishment. He still did of course, now for their lack of morals, but he was grateful for them now too. Her eyes seemed to meet his, but with the poor lighting he couldn’t quite tell, and she gave a knowing, toothy smile.

“We have what we came for. We should leave.” Kallus directed his statement at Zeb.

They left their contact to finish her drink alone and exited the dingy cantina. The street they were on now had only a light flow of traffic, with most of the city goers in nightclubs or bars now that the sun had fully set. The air, albeit dry and tainted with smoke, was preferable to the suffocating atmosphere of the bar. 

“Here,” Zeb handed the chip over to Kallus, “keep this safe.” He put the chip away in his pocket. When he looked back up, he saw Zeb’s ears angled upwards and his eyes narrowed. “Did you hear that?” he asked.

“I -”

“Shh!” Zeb waved his hand in front of his friend’s face. “Think I heard it again.” He stayed silent for a few moments, and the unmistakable synced footsteps of stormtroopers filled his ears. Perhaps he’d get to bust some bucket heads after all.

“No,” Kallus said, as if reading his thoughts. He now heard it too and sensed Zeb’s readiness for a fight. “We have to hide. We don’t know how many troopers there are or how many more could be around.” He heard Zeb grumble and mutter something under his breath about being “no fun”. In a scolding tone he’d heard Hera take to using on more than a few occasions, he continued, “This intel is too important to risk losing, and I’m not ready to explain to Hera that we wasted 2,000 credits because you felt like punching people.”

The marching of troopers was now impossible to miss even if one weren’t paying attention. In only a few moments the troopers would round the corner; something had to be done and fast. Between Kallus’ distinctive facial hair and Zeb’s, well, everything, they would be easily identified as rebels - and ones whose capture was imperative. They had to keep from being spotted. It became painfully obvious very quickly that Zeb hadn’t thought of a plan that didn’t involve violence, if he had thought of one to begin with, and it was now thrust upon Kallus to find a decent hiding spot for a 7 foot tall Lasat and himself, who wasn’t small by any measure either. Kallus spotted a small alley, a dead end no more than a few feet deep, between the bar they had just exited and the neighboring building, that the dirty glow emanating from the street lamp didn’t reach. He wasted no time in grabbing Zeb by the hand and not so gently pulling him into the hiding spot. It was an admittedly tight fit, with just about half a foot’s space in between the two, but Kallus didn’t have many options. Now, out of immediate danger, Kallus realized his hand was still intertwined tightly with Zeb’s. He pretended not to notice, as did Zeb. 

Most times, Kallus was grateful for how living with the Ghost crew had broken him of almost all his Imperial habits. Right now was not one of those times. When before diverting all attention to his mission or person of interest came naturally to him, now it was proving difficult for him to focus on anything but his proximity to Zeb and the other’s breathing. 

“They’re coming this way,” Zeb said as quietly as possible.

“What?” It took a second for Kallus to realize what he had said. He peeked out from the recess to see the men clad in white armor heading in their direction. It didn’t appear as if they had spotted them but instead were just doing a routine sweep of the area. However, the troopers would find them if they passed by their hiding space. They were trapped.

Thoughts raced through his head and blood pounded in his ears as he pulled Zeb into him by the collar with his free hand and smashed their lips together. Truthfully, he acted on more impulse than he would have ever deemed a responsible amount in times where he had all of his wits, but he was already coming up with justifications for his unexpected actions.

It hid their faces.  
It was expected to see a passionate display of affection in the alleyway of a slum; they were keeping their cover.  
Even if the stormtroopers did think something’s amiss, would they interrupt? Very unlikely.

Zeb’s eyes widened in surprise, and all he could do was stand, unresponsive. Kallus’ forceful contact turned softer, no longer fueled by the initial compulsion, and it drew him from his frozen state. He released his hand from Kallus’ grasp only to place it, along with his other, firmly on his shoulders. He pulled him closer, tentatively, and with even more uncertainty began to kiss back. The moment he did, Kallus let go of the breath he didn’t know he was holding, and with it escaped a pleasure-driven sigh that sent a shiver straight through Zeb. After indulging in bliss for just a second, he forced himself to pull away, no matter how his body screamed at him to let go and devour the man he was holding. Separated now, though still agonizingly close, close enough to feel the other’s breath hot on his neck, Zeb was able to stare into Kallus’ eyes. They held a knowing fear, Kallus well aware of what he had done, but they still held a dazed pleasure hidden behind the welling anxiety. 

“I can explain,” Kallus said, after finally finding his voice - though he still sounded breathless.

Of course he could explain. Even when he did the most unexpected, out of character thing in the galaxy, he could justify himself. If it were any other situation, Zeb would have laughed, but right here, right now, he couldn’t laugh. He couldn’t even find the words to respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first fic actually ok enough to publish, so please be kind!! I'll try to have regular installments (I have some of the next chapter already), but who knows?? Leave comments if you have any ideas/suggestions


	2. Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A long walk back to base is filled with tension and unspoken words.

“I had to do it so we wouldn’t be caught. I...” Kallus attempted, his anxiety deepening at Zeb’s lack of response. He felt the silence stretch out, and with each passing second, he grew more and more uncertain. He was torn between giving Zeb time, for he saw an obvious, logical reason for his unresponsiveness, and rambling on, hopefully saying something - anything - that would elicit a reply from him.

Zeb only vaguely registered the absence of stormtrooper marching as he dragged himself back into the moment. Fixing his attention on Kallus, it wasn’t hard to hear the desperation in his voice, how after he could think of nothing else to say, he trailed off, pleadingly. Before Kallus, he couldn’t pick up on things like this - how someone was feeling by their micro-expressions or almost unnoticeable changes in tone. Of course, being friends with an ex-spy meant that those little things were the only way to tell what he was really feeling. He found himself analyzing every little thing about Kallus, but even that could only get him so far. He wasn’t able to tell if that desperation was stemming from a need to be believed and accepted, a wishing for him to acknowledge and forget, or from something else, something entirely different - something he didn’t want to think about lest he fuel himself with more false hope than he already had.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said at last. If only he could take his own advice. 

Having his gaze rest anywhere but on Kallus, he peered out of the hiding spot and found no sign of the troopers, having probably moved on to another street. “They’re gone,” he said, though he knew Kallus was well aware of that. He just needed something, anything, to fill the space between them.

“We should get back to base before we have any more run-ins,” Kallus replied. With Zeb’s hands having already been drawn back to his sides and not waiting for agreement, he slipped out of the recess and waited for his friend to follow. Once the pair had made it back onto the main road, passed the familiar nightclub, and were in no danger of being spotted by any more troopers, the silence was once again broken.

“Zeb I -” Kallus began, trying once more to explain away his actions from before, not daring to look up at him as he said it.

“Look, Kal, just don’t. I get it. It’s fine!” he snapped at him before he could get the words out of his mouth. _Shut up about it_ , though it wasn’t said, was implied with his forceful tone.

Kallus, being one who very easily picked up on cues, shut his mouth. Normally, he would simply do as Zeb was doing, distract himself and bury any feelings or apprehensions he might have, but here, now, with Zeb, he felt compelled to explain himself and everything he ever did. It was that feeling that had changed his life, after all.

It seemed like hours they walked together, alone, through the darkness. Not a word was uttered by either of them as they navigated the almost deserted streets. Their pace was quick; they were distant, making sure they stood far enough apart that not even their hands had the slightest chance of touching. Those unsaid words hung in the air like boulders pushing down on Kallus’ lungs, keeping him from even breathing. Kallus found his gaze instinctually being drawn back to Zeb in the hopes of catching his eye and seeing even just a flicker of understanding. Trying to obtain any kind of solace or comfort, any little sign that he hadn’t made an irreversible mistake, and coming up with nothing, he found himself having trouble suppressing his Imperial ticks once again, the only relief he could find coming from the familiar feeling of his own hands clasped together and walking with a false air of self-assuredness. Only this time, Zeb didn’t notice - he was too busy focusing on himself. Once they made it out of the main gate of the city and into the uninhabited grasslands, Zeb’s voice, though not loud, cut through the darkness.

“We should probably set up camp,” he said. “There’s no way we can make it back to base in the middle of the night.”

With silent agreement, they walked a little farther through the grassland until they came upon a large crescent-shaped stone that Zeb had marked earlier on their trip to the city. Kallus found the bag he had stashed behind the stone just in case they needed to spend the night outdoors and took out the several blankets and ration bars he had packed for the journey. He laid the blankets across the dusty ground beneath the rock. Zeb switched on his commlink and called Hera, informing her of the mission’s status.

“Specter 2, we got the intel,” he said when she answered the buzz.

“Great, Specter 4. No mishaps then?”

Zeb paused, leaning on the boulder. He felt his commlink buzz again in his grip but didn’t catch Hera’s words.

“No, everything went…fine,” he said to her. “We should be back tomorrow after sunrise.” He didn’t wait for a reply before he shut off his comm and took a few breaths. "Mishap" was an understatement - it felt like his whole life had been turned upside down. That one touch so completely unwound him, and he didn’t know how to put himself back together. The need that erupted like fire inside of him was still present and rose every time he thought about the way their lips fit so perfectly together. He’d always imagined what those lips would feel like pressed against his own, desperate and in love. In many ways, they felt exactly as he thought they would. Their texture, soft and smooth, was how he’d dreamed, but the cathartic eruption that occurred as they touched for the first time, so forceful, was like nothing he had ever felt before. Of course, he had felt those “fireworks” with his several young relationships, but they had always been insignificant and anticlimactic, almost like an unintended byproduct of the contact and always noticed in retrospect. Now, the one time he had truly felt so unmistakably infatuated, he knew he could never feel that way again. He slid down the rock and settled on the dusty ground, his head resting on his fist.

“We should probably get some sleep,” Kallus suggested, though they both knew they would not get any rest that night.

Zeb only gave a huff in response; Kallus couldn’t tell if it was in humor or irritation. Either way, the two of them settled on the hard ground and tried to fall into the temporary escape of sleep. With each irregular breath in and out, Zeb felt as if time was moving slower. What could have been minutes felt like hours pitifully trying to fall into unconsciousness. He might even have been able to fall asleep - it’s not like he hadn’t had to block out spiraling thoughts before in order to get desperately needed sleep - if it hadn’t been for Kallus, tossing and turning not a few feet from him, also trying in vain to fall asleep. He listened to the rustling of blankets and the occasional sigh of frustration and, despite himself, let out a small laugh.

“Kinda reminds ya of Bahryn doesn’t it?” he asked after a while, mostly to Kallus but also just to the air.

“What does?”

“Just layin here. Awake. Alone.”

“Except this time we’re not freezing to death, and my leg isn’t broken in two different places,” Kallus replied, seeing the possibility for some levity to break the otherwise heavy silence and seizing it. 

“Heh, yeah. Wonder what we did to fall asleep that time.”

“Probably passed out from hypothermia.”

The conversation continued like this, short replies bouncing back and forth from where the two lay, tentative at first but quickly growing in comfortableness. Neither of them looked at each other but up at the stars. If Zeb pretended hard enough, if he just focused on the sound of that soothing voice and looked up at those stars, he wasn’t even talking to Kallus, or at least, not the Kallus from today. He was talking to Kal, maybe over a comm, maybe in the Ghost, joking around with him like he always did, like only he was allowed to do. There was no context, no mixed emotions, not any that had been dug up, anyway. He wondered if Kallus was doing the same. 

Time moved much faster when there was something else other than uncomfortable silence filling it. Zeb felt the action of the day catch up to him and felt the tiredness grow within himself. In between sentences, he let out a yawn.

“Maybe we should’ve just talked that night too,” he said, “Seems to be working just fine.”

Kallus chuckled and pretended to take offense. “What? Do I bore you, Garazeb?”

Zeb didn’t reply right away. Instead, he thought for a moment. He thought of Kallus and everything he had done. He thought of how a once-thought simple, single-faceted Imperial turned out to be the most complicated, unpredictable, _wonderful_ being he had ever met. He thought of how even now, after truly knowing him, Kallus was still full of surprises that kept him guessing at every turn - and how he would have it no other way. He thought of how despite what seemed like all odds, he had fallen in love with the man he once hated, the one man he couldn’t feel this way for.

Zeb tore his gaze away from the stars to look at that man - the one he was really talking to. Kallus was still looking up at the sky, the myriad of stars casting enough light to illuminate his face. He could see the faint glow of his skin and a small smile across his lips. “Not at all,” he finally said with a resounding honesty that he had not heard himself take to using in a long time, so long he couldn't remember when.

Zeb could see the change in Kallus’ face. His almost-laughing, playful grin was gone, replaced with a smaller smile of unreserved fondness. He turned on his side to meet Zeb’s eyes that he undoubtedly knew were fixed on him. Zeb could see the warmth in his amber gaze. Looking into his eyes, a sense of calmness washed over Zeb and quelled the turmoil that was still turning about inside him, making him sick. It was strange how one person could be both the cause and relief from such distress.

“Goodnight, Zeb,” he said, having nothing else come to mind and too scared of what reciprocating Zeb’s affirmations might mean.

“Goodnight, Kal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for such a positive response to my first chapter!! You're all too kind <3
> 
> Also I'm apologizing in advance because I know that chapter 3 will take a long time to write/edit (partly because I haven't had any time to start it before publishing this - midterms are a bitch - but also because that's when some important things happen, and I have to plan them out!) So here's something to read while that one's in the works
> 
> Not much happened in this chapter (so sorry that it's kinda short), but we did get to see both of their thoughts...which does impact the plot later on!
> 
> Hopefully you're happy with this, this is so fun to write and all the positive feedback is literally fueling me


	3. Miscommunication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Returning to base only makes things worse and much more complicated for Kallus and Zeb.

The suns had risen far above the horizon, casting a pale yellow glow across the fields as Kallus and Zeb finally reached the base. They saw the _Ghost_ parked in the same spot as it was when they left and what appeared to be Ezra and Chopper waiting outside for them. To them, it must’ve been surprising how the mission appeared to have gone so smoothly.

“Hey! You’re back already,” Ezra called to them as they got within earshot.

“Yeah, well, we said we’d be back by sunrise,” Zeb answered flatly.

Ezra waved off his reply. “Nothing ever actually goes the way it’s supposed to.” Zeb let out an almost inaudible chuckle - it seemed as if the universe was taunting him at this point. “So how was the mission?”

Zeb could see Kallus stiffen out of the corner of his eye, if just for a second. He himself froze for a moment, much more noticeably than Kallus, who had returned to handing their data chip off to Chopper, pointedly not making eye contact with neither Zeb nor Ezra. “Fine!” he replied, a little too loudly. “It was a totally normal mission!”

Ezra looked at him, his eyebrow raised. “Why are you acting so weird?”

Zeb didn’t reply and glanced between Kallus, who was still kneeling on the ground, and Ezra. He didn’t try to hide his uncomfortableness in the slightest because he knew it would be futile when his body was practically radiating with uneasiness.

Kallus sighed from where he was still on the ground, his head resting in his palm. Knowing the silence would go on indefinitely until Zeb possibly exploded, he gathered his nerves and said, with surprisingly unshaky words, “I… had to kiss Zeb.”

_“What?”_

“To keep our cover from being blown! We didn’t have a choice.”

Kallus’ words made Zeb think. There had to have been another course of action for them to take, another way to get out of the situation they had found themselves in than kissing. Kissing _had_ to have been out of something else other than pure necessity, but then again, Kallus had gotten himself out of situations with much crazier - and impactful - means than kissing someone. Zeb knew that Kallus didn’t feel for him the way he did for Kallus, but he couldn’t help but hope that maybe there was just the tiniest hint of flippant curiosity, the smallest inkling of attraction, so that their lips meeting wasn’t simply a way to hide their faces.

“You have to tell me _everything_ ,” Ezra said, unable to contain his excitement and amusement. Chopper gave a few whirs and whistles of agreement.

Zeb growled. The lousy kid was acting _exactly_ like he thought he would. He took a quick look at Kallus, now standing up, and felt the embarrassment coming from him hitting him in waves. He saw what appeared to be a blush rising in his cheeks but, just as with those odd inflections in his voice, did not know why it was there. Of course, anyone would be embarrassed, having to be subjected to this, but Kallus had been in embarrassing situations before - much more embarrassing than being pestered by an annoying teenager. Someone with his level of training would have no trouble quelling his self-consciousness if it were just stemming from one person’s words. Unless Kallus had forgotten every ISB lesson within the span of a few months, there just had to be something else on his mind. Maybe, Zeb wondered, he was thinking of the kiss itself? Maybe he couldn’t get it off of his mind, and just hearing about it made his impulse almost too strong to overcome, and he wanted - no _needed_ \- to pull Zeb into the nearest room and have him trap his body between the cold wall and his warm fur. Maybe all he wanted to do was throw himself into a reckless abandon so unlike anything he’d ever done before to allay the aching in his heart and body.

Or maybe it was all in Zeb’s head, and it was simply that pale skin and three suns made for a bad combination.

“Look, it was just a kiss okay?” Zeb said abruptly, startling Ezra a bit in his aggressiveness. “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of it; it was for the sake of the mission. It was nothing.”

Kallus looked up, confused but able to hide his hurt. _Nothing_. Had that visceral connection truly been so insignificant to Zeb that he could write it off without hesitation? How had it not completely changed him, redefining what he had believed to be love, further igniting the spark of attraction that refused to be put out no matter how hard he tried? It was painful to think he had allowed himself to fool himself into believing Zeb held any feelings for him that would make his own sorry state of love requited. 

“Yes it meant… “ he paused, “nothing.” His affirmation was slow in coming but betrayed none of what was crushing him and consuming his thoughts. “If you’ll excuse me, I believe Hera would like to know that we’ve returned.” 

With that, he left, following Chopper back to the ship, posture perfect and gait quick and steady, leaving Zeb to wallow in his almost instantaneous regret. Zeb saw Kallus’ form disappear into the _Ghost_ and couldn’t help but feel a growing sensation gnawing at him and telling him that he had made a mistake, a big one. He tried to push it down with the firm conviction that he was reading too much into the situation, into Kallus and his infuriatingly complicated actions. It was strange how he now read so far into things he couldn’t even trust his own observations anymore. Before Kallus, before any of this, he had been the epitome of the “act first, ask questions later” personality, not ever taking a moment to look at the finer points. Now he found himself so entangled in the tiny, most insignificant details that no nuance escaped him. And it was so defeating that despite his total fixation, he still didn’t know what Kallus was thinking and was at a loss for what to do.

“It was nothing, huh?” Ezra asked, the atmosphere growing too oppressive for his liking.

“Shut up.”

“Come on, Zeb. You might be able to fool a top notch Imperial spy, but you can’t fool me.” Zeb rolled his eyes at the joke; the kid was right. Ezra’s tone grew softer, bordering even on sympathetic. “Look, Zeb, I know this whole situation must be tearing you apart and that kissing him meant a lot to you -“

“Heh, you have no idea,” he forced a laugh to stop a less befitting reaction.

“- But top-notch Imperial spies also can’t fool me, and I know that kiss meant a lot to Kallus too.”

Zeb turned to face Ezra. For how much he teased Ezra, Zeb really did respect him and believe him to be one of the smartest people he’d ever met. If Ezra was saying this, maybe it wasn’t all in Zeb’s head. “I really hope you’re right,” he admitted.

“You should talk to him.”

Zeb smiled; maybe he should. It scared him to death, thinking about what he might lose if he did, a friendship he had only just begun to discover but also the closest companionship to someone new he has felt in years. He didn’t want to lose the newest member of his family, but he knew that if he never said anything, there would always be a rift in that relationship, a secret slowly tearing apart their relationship and infecting it from the inside. Now grasping onto something that felt just a tiny bit better than wishful thinking, he had enough courage to at least contemplate talking to Kallus despite his fear.

“And Zeb,” Ezra said, “stop dragging me into your crush on Kallus. It’s so kriffing weird!”

Zeb eyed him indignantly and wanted to tell him that it wasn’t a “crush” and he never did anything of the sort - it was Ezra who was always sticking his nose into Zeb’s business. He couldn’t though, but he would never admit that it was because he was grateful for Ezra’s help. Instead, he batted him over the head and said, “yeah, but not as weird as your crush on Sabine’s brother.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you know how I apologized in advance last chapter? This is why!! I can't believe I just straight up abandoned this. I'm so sorry, and I have no excuse!!
> 
> All I can say is that I have the next chapter planned out, a surge of motivation, and finally a direction for this story! So with all of that, I probably won't let this sit for months at a time.
> 
> Thanks for being so patient with me and so kind in the comments I don't deserve it!!


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